


Not Looking For Absolution

by WelcomeToTheBadlands



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alive Paige Tico, Alternate Universe - Role Reversal, Awkward Ben Solo, Awkward Conversations, Awkward Flirting, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dark Leia Organa, Dark Luke, Dark Paige Tico, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Force-Sensitive Leia Organa, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Oblivious Rey (Star Wars), Phasma In the Resistance, Pining, Rey Needs A Hug, Sith Leia Organa, Sith Luke Skywalker, Smuggler Han Solo, Smuggler Rey, Soft Ben Solo, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2021-01-21 11:22:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21298637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WelcomeToTheBadlands/pseuds/WelcomeToTheBadlands
Summary: In a world where Anakin Skywalker never turned to the dark side, but his children were still tempted by Palpatine and the dark side, Anakin died trying to save Luke and Leia. Both Luke and Leia have been trained in the dark side, and were rumoured to have killed their master so that the two of them could rule the galaxy. The Resistance, lead by Amilyn Holdo, is starting to dwindle fast.Rey is a smuggler, employed by Han Solo. She goes to Jakku to steal back the Millenium Falcon from Unkar Plutt, making an unlikely friend in a man who just escaped the First Order.That man?Ben Solo.Son of Supreme Leader, Leia Organa.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 8
Kudos: 41





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> "And all this devotion was rushing over me  
And the questions I have for a sinner like me"

Ben is used to nightmares. 

It had been a big part of his life, for as long as he could remember. 

Every night, he would dream about his uncle murdering him, every night he would wake up in a sweat, sheets tangled around him and breathing heavily. 

His mother used to be there to comfort him, but not anymore. _ ‘You need to stop being so weak,’ _ She would tell him. She would push him and shun him, pain and sadness in her eyes. ‘ _ Luke is not going to kill you, so long as you complete your training.’ _

He was sure that he couldn’t do that. 

Not when the things that they would teach him would turn him into a monster. 

_

The first thing that Rey thinks when she landed on Jakku to track down the Falcon was, _ ‘What has the old man gotten himself into now? _ ’ The Millenium Falcon had been stolen many times before, but by a lowly trade post manager on Jakku? ‘ _ Really Han? _’ Jakku was a wasteland that Rey did not want to get familiar with, but she went for Han anyway. There were a lot of things that she owed him. She would probably be paying him off forever. 

She had no intention of paying Unkar Plutt for the Millenium Falcon. It wasn’t his to sell in the first place. Rey had become rather great at stealing ships from right under people’s noses. She was going to do that now. And then she saw a TIE Fighter crash and burn in front of her. Normally she would just watch the ship in front of her burn and laugh, ‘it served the First Order right, after all’. But something feels wrong about it, different, and Rey found herself running through the sand to help whoever was stuck in it. She ended up with more than she could bargain for, in more ways than one. 

The man that she dragged out of the TIE fighter was way too big for his own good. If Rey hadn’t been used to lugging heavy objects, it would have been impossible to get him out from under the metal that had nearly crushed his legs. She had barely gotten him away from the flaming wreckage by the time that the ship had gone under the sand. He was breathing heavily, bleeding from his head, dressed in all black. 

This man definitely did not mean to crash on this planet. “Hey, buddy. Can you hear me?” He nodded, his body must still be in shock from the crash. Poor guy. “You with the First Order?” She still had her blaster with her, if she needed to, she would shoot him in the temple. He shook his head no. “You escaping the First Order?” He shook his head yes. 

‘_ Great, that was just her luck.’ _

“Can you get up?” He answered that by slowly getting to his feet, his legs trembling. Rey helped him a little. “I would ask you to go back to the ship I brought here, but that’s too close to your crash sight. So just come with me, okay? Walk’s gonna be a bit, but we’re going to Niima Outpost.” 

“Aren’t you going to ask my name?” 

“To be frank with you, buddy. It’s better that I don’t.” She paused, really taking him in. He’s tall, really tall. With beautiful hair and broad shoulders. If she had seen him in a bar, she would’ve flirted with him. “You need to take your clothes off,” 

“What?” He asked incredulously. 

“It’s Jakku, currently one hundred and ten degrees outside. You’ll die halfway to Niima Outpost dressed like that. Just take off some of the layers.” He nodded, knowing what she said made sense, shedding his cowl and some other things that were causing him some trouble. He was left with his undershirt, pants, and boots by the time he was done. 

“Kriff, did you have twelve layers on you?” 

“Don’t ask,” He said darkly. She didn’t. She headed to Niima Outpost without ever asking him another question— because she didn’t care about him at all — she was just here to do a job that Han asked her to do and that was all. He would come along and she would drop him off at a more hospitable planet the moment that she had the chance to. 

He was the one who broke the silence, “Is that —?” Rey looked out in front of her and almost laughed. “Wow, they seriously aren’t protecting her are they?” The Millenium Falcon was just sitting out in the shipyard, a little covered in sand, but still as recognizable as she would be anywhere else. “That makes my job a lot easier,” 

“You’re going to steal the Millenium Falcon?” 

“I mean, it’s not really stealing when it was stolen from it’s owner in the first place, now is it?” 

“I thought that Han Solo was dead,” 

“Nah, kid.”

“Kid? You’re like what, twelve?” 

“Nineteen about to turn twenty, thank you very much.” Rey laughed, “Han Solo is very much alive, paid me to come get his ship for him. Now follow me and get on the ship, don’t make any noise and we’ll be out of here fast.” Of course, nothing could ever go the way that Rey wanted it to, could it? First Order ships whistled from entering the planet so fast, and Rey knew exactly who they were looking for. “Shit, run.” 

He didn’t have to wait for her to start, he took her hand and started running. “I can run by myself, thank you very much!” She shouted. Sand started to explode around them as TIE fighters fired their blasters, Rey started moving in more jagged directions, making it harder to hit her. Three other ships that could have been more effective to get off the planet, but not the Millenium Falcon. 

Just their luck. Rey ran to the pilot’s bay as quickly as she could and started getting everything working. “Can you work the blasters?” She asked. 

“I can certainly try!” He was gone within a second, and Rey took off. 

_ 

Ben wasn’t sure how they had survived the whole Jakku ordeal, but now they were off planet and the First Order wasn’t following them anymore. The girl who had helped him off the planet had gone and gotten the medkit and was now tentatively applying bacta to the wound on his forehead. “I’m Rey by the way,” 

“Ben, thanks for uh — saving my life.” 

“No problemo,” Rey finished applying the bacta and got up from her spot. “Any enemy of the First Order is a friend of mine,” She didn’t ask him why he had left, or his full name. 

He wondered if it was because she didn’t care or she thought it was best not to ask in case they got captured. She started walking out of the room and Ben followed her, “So, Ben. Got a home or something away from the First Order where I can drop you off?” 

“No,” He said. 

“Okay,” Rey grimaced as she turned back around to him. “There’s two options really then, I could take you to the Resistance. If you’re not some sort of spy for the First Order, then you could probably be a really useful member. Or, I could drop you off at the nearest habitable planet and you could live in peace as long as you keep your head down.” 

“Do you work for the Resistance or something?” 

“Something like that,” Rey said. “So — Resistance?” 

“Resistance.” 

Rey nodded softly, “Okay then. We’ll go to the Resistance. But that’s going to take a little longer. I have to get some stuff done with Han Solo first and then he’ll probably drop us both off.” _ Han Solo. _Ben felt his stomach lurch as she said his name. His mother had told him that his father had been dead for years, that Anakin Skywalker had killed him in an attempt to get Luke and Leia to come to the Light side. 

“What is Han Solo like?” Ben asked. 

“He’s great,” Rey said, “does whatever he wants. Gets in trouble a lot and sometimes lacks common sense, but he’s great.” Part of Ben tells him that he should tell Rey about why he had been with the First Order in the first place, but another part tells him to hold off. She hated the First Order and might not trust him if she knew. “Don’t look at him like you’re in awe of a war hero though, it makes him uncomfortable. And me.” 

“Right,” He said. 

“He’s just a smuggler that helps out the Resistance every once and awhile, same with me.” Ben isn’t sure what to think when Rey docked the Millenium Falcon in a bigger freight ship. Han Solo came up with a Wookie, and Rey went to hug him almost immediately. 

“Hey, kid. Hope Jakku wasn’t too bad for you,” 

“It was miserable, as usual.” Rey told him. 

Han grimaced and said something else, and Ben couldn’t stop staring. Stop being weird, Ben. 

“Who’s the tall guy?” 

“Ben,” Rey said, “found him on Jakku escaping the First Order.” 

Han gave Ben this look — one Ben wasn’t sure how to judge. “Hey,” He said awkwardly. What else was he supposed to say? ‘Hello, father who I thought was dead. Why were you never there for me when I needed you?’ 

“You look familiar,” Was the first thing that Han said. “Have we met before?” 

“No,” Ben said. “I don’t think that we have.” That was the most awkward first meeting that they could have possibly had, but Ben didn’t know what to say. How did you tell someone that they were your father? He just left while Rey started to talk to Han about going to the Resistance base. 

_ 

“You okay, buddy?” Was the first thing that Rey asked when she found him wandering around the Falcon an hour later. 

“Yeah,” Ben said, “just tired.” 

“Me too,” She stared at him, trying to figure out what was wrong with him. “I can uh, tell you right now that I’m not great at giving advice on how to solve people’s problems or anything like that. But if you want to talk about it, we can.” 

“I don’t think that you’d want to hear about it,” He said, “it’s a lot.” Rey crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. 

“Try me,” 

“I’m serious. You wouldn’t want to. There’s a lot of stuff that —” 

“Let me guess, you’re glad that you left the First Order because you didn’t like what they were doing, but you still feel bad because you left someone behind and it’s making you feel bad.” Ben blinked, not sure how she could read all of that off him so quickly. 

“That’s definitely part of it,” He admitted. “It’s not everything, though.” 

“Well,” Rey sighed, “when you’re ready to talk to someone about your problems, you can talk to me. Or anyone on the Resistance base, they’re all super friendly, it’s super annoying and pretty great.” 

“Great,” Ben felt uneasy, kind of like he wanted to throw up. Still, he didn’t say anything. 

“You’ll be fine,” Rey told him. “We’ll be there in a day’s time, you’ll make some new friends and people won’t judge you. I promise.” 

“If you say so,” 

Rey rolled her eyes, “I’m going to go eat. If you want something, I’ll be near the cockpit with Han.” 

  


_

There was something going on between Ben and Han, and Rey wasn’t sure what it was. It was annoying her. The first thing that the old man asked her when she sat down with a flask, ready to drink the rest of the day away was, “Where did you find that kid?” 

“On Jakku,” 

“Did he tell you why he left the First Order?” 

“No,” Rey said, “didn’t really care so I didn’t ask.” That was the truth. She didn’t care, because people left organizations all of the time for all sorts of different reasons. 

“He just — there’s something about him that reminds me of someone.” 

“Who?” 

“This is going to sound stupid, but he kind of looked like Leia to me.” 

“Han, you told me yourself that your kid was dead.” She was about to hand the flask over to him when she felt cold, a whisp of energy from something made her skin crawl. She closed her eyes and shut it out. “He told me something that didn’t make any sense to me though,” 

“What was that?” 

“He told me that he thought that you were dead,” 

“Weird,” 

_ 

_ “I wish that you were my daughter sometimes, you’re a thousand times stronger than my son ever was.” _

_

“Han, do you think that he could be your son?” 

He was silent for a long time. Rey started to feel nauseous, which made her feel even worse. Of course, she should be happy for Han that he might actually get to meet his son, but would that leave room for her? “I don’t know.” 

“You are,” Rey wondered how long Ben had been standing there. She got up without a word, and left. The two of them needed to talk this out.


	2. Chapter 2

It was silent for a long time. Han Solo seemed to not be a man of many words. Or perhaps he was and he had no idea what to say in this situation. “I thought you were dead,” Ben nodded silently as he watched Han. He wasn’t sure how to read him, but when his voice broke that told him all he needed to know, “god I was so stupid not to look for you earlier.” 

“It wasn’t your fault, Leia told you that I was dead, you didn’t have any reason not to believe her.” 

“I should’ve still looked, for the proof.” He shook his head. “You look like her, kid.” 

“I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or not,” 

“It is,” Han took a long swig of the flask that Rey had handed him before she’d left. “I don’t know what to say, honestly. How did you get out?” 

“Well, my uncle tried to kill me after saying that I had too much light in me. Leia got mad and the two of them had a shouting match and I just ran to the hangar, stole a ship, nearly got shout of the sky and then Rey saved my life.” 

“Good thing that she was there, I guess.” He said. 

“Yeah,” 

The two of them were silent again, before Han said, “I have a lot of time to make up for. Don’t I?” 

“Don’t feel like you have to—” 

“No, I want to.” Han said firmly. He took another sip of liquor before saying. “Tell me everything that I’ve missed. Everything.” 

_

_ Rey was nothing but a little girl the first time that she saw Supreme Leader Leia Organa. All of the other children forced into the Academy cried and cowered in front of her, and her imposing and beautiful presence. Rey stayed there, she stayed still, and Leia noticed it. “You, come to the front.” She pointed to Rey and Rey moved forward, not showing her fear as she moved with conviction.  _

_ “State your name,”  _

_ “Kira Ren,” The girl said. Rey remembered once hearing of a woman who had tricked Han Solo and some of the other most powerful smugglers in the world. Qi’Ra, was her name. The one that joined Darth Maul.  _

_ “Kira,” Leia repeated. “How old are you?”  _

_ “Nine and a half,”  _

_ “How is it that a nine year old knows how to act and none of the rest of you do?” The Supreme Leader shouted. Her voice rang above the rest, and Rey almost flinched. Almost. “Go, child. You will be the first to pick your room, and will receive reward today from Luke Skywalker.”  _

_ “Yes, Supreme Leader. Thank you for your generosity.”  _

_

The next time Ben saw Rey, it was apparent that she hadn’t slept well. “Are you okay?” She merely grunted as she walked past him, and Han laughed. 

“She doesn’t talk for at least two hours after she wakes up,” He told her, “you won’t get much out of her until we get some caf into her system, which unfortunately we don’t have. So, you’ll have to wait the full two hours before you start asking her things.” Rey eyes Han with a look in her eyes before she started tinkering with one of the temperature regulators on the ship. 

He can’t help but feel like he did something wrong, but he isn’t sure what it is. He and Han talked some more and Ben went to finally go ask Rey if she needed help doing something, but when he found her the first thing she said was, “No, Ben. I don’t need help doing anything. Thank you very much.” 

“Did I do something wrong? Because all the sudden you’re acting…” He stopped. “Oh,” 

Oh. 

“I’m not going to take Han away from you, if that’s what you’re worried about.” Rey dropped the wrench she was working with and it hit her foot. 

“Motherfucker!” Ben bent down to get it for her and gave it to her. 

“Here,” Rey took the wrench from him, staring at him warily. “I just want you to know that I’m not going to take Han away from you, you know him better than I do, obviously. You can’t take that sort of thing away.” 

“Sure,” Rey sighed. 

“You sound unconvinced,” 

“Because you sound like you’re full of shit.” 

“Is there anything I can do to make you trust me?” 

“Not really,” Rey admitted, “I don’t trust anyone except Han Solo and Chewie.” 

“Who’s Che— oh the Wookie.” 

“Yeah,” Rey said, “anyways I’m glad that you reunited with your dad. That’s great. That’s really great. Now if you excuse me, I’m going to go jump out of an airlock, thank you very much.” 

“You’re not actually going to do that, are you?” 

“No,” Rey said, “never heard of sarcasm, have you Solo?” 

“God, why are you being so—” 

“So what?” It was almost like he was incapable of insulting her in that moment, and something about that just pissed Rey off even more than it should have. She felt like such a shitty person in that moment, but she really didn’t care anymore. “Bitchy, rude, etcetera?” 

“I was just going to say rude, but yeah.”

“Just leave me alone, Solo. We’ll be at the base soon enough and we’ll never talk to each other again.” 

“There’s no way for me to convince you of anything, is there?” 

“Nope,” 

_ 

Rey usually didn’t shut people out, it wasn’t her style, but this boy trying to get her to say things that she didn’t want to admit to was getting on her nerves. She was just glad when they had finally landed. “We’re not going to the base yet,” Han told, “gotta fuel up.” 

“Great,” Rey rolled her eyes. 

“Rey,” Han warned, “be nice.” 

“I am being nice,” 

“I think you and I both know that that isn’t true.” Rey sighed heavily as Han left the ship. Rey was going to walk off when she heard Ben walk around the corner. 

“You want a drink?” Ben had her flask in his hand. “Han had this last night and fell asleep with it. Was sure that I remembered that it was yours.” Rey took the flask from him. 

“Did you refill it or something?” 

“Yeah, is that a problem?” 

“What did you refill it with?” 

“Corellian whiskey,” 

“Oh good, your taste isn’t trash.” She took a large swig and let it burn her throat. They’re silent for a while. Ben’s stare is intense and Rey heard Han come back on the ship. He was obviously trying to get the two of them to talk to each other more. That wasn’t going to happen. “Great, I’m going to bed.” 

“Wait,” Ben said. There was a hint of desperation in his voice. Why? Rey turned around. 

“What?” She sighed, exasperation apparent in her voice. 

“I thought that maybe we could talk?” 

“There’s nothing to talk about Ben,” She hears him say, ‘oh’ really softly. He sounded disappointed. Rey had no idea why. He had nothing to be disappointed about. Ben had Han now, and Han had the son that he had been mourning for such a long time back. Rey just wanted to get out of the way of that. 


	3. Chapter 3

Ben knew that Rey wasn’t obligated to like him. That didn’t stop him from wondering what he did to make her feel that way. Maybe it was a side effect of him seeking validation from his parents that he never got. He didn’t know.

Rey would try to stay as far away from him as possible. Han said she usually wasn’t so grumpy. She spent most of her time with Chewie or making various repairs on things on the ship.

It wasn’t until they had to stop at a port to fuel up that he got a chance to talk to her. “Hey,” He had approached her as carefully as one might approach a wounded animal.

“What do you want?” She had practically snapped.

“Just wanted to talk,” He told her. “Bored,” An uncomfortable silence followed between the two.

“Well,”

“Can I ask what I did?”

“What you did?” Rey just blinked at him, like she had no idea what he was talking about.

“You’re avoiding me,”

“Trust me, Solo. It’s better that way, just go be with your father. You deserve it.” Then Ben made a decision that he probably shouldn’t have. He tried to take a peak inside of her mind.

He was met with opposition, and a Force signature that he was surprised that he didn’t sense it from her earlier. “Get out of my head,” She hissed. Just as soon was the signature was there, it was gone, and she pushed past him.

__

Rey knew that her time on the Millenium Falcon was coming to an end. That’s just how these sort of things went. She met Han when he believed he had lost all of his family, and she knew that in a way, he felt like he was making up for his lost child by taking her in and helping her escape Leia. Now, he had his son back, he had a family.

Rey wasn’t needed anymore.

And hey, that was okay. Rey had always wanted him to be happy, and it was great that he was, but that didn’t mean that it didn’t break her heart. She had packed everything that she needed to go find another ship once they landed on Takodana when Ben had first confronted her, when he tried to push his way into her mind like he was entitled to know what was going on with her.

Now he knew.

He knew she had the Force. Rey knew that she had fucked up when he started to pursue her. “Wait,” He said. “Wait, Rey. Can you just wait—?”

“What?” She did turn around, like a wolf trying to keep someone from approaching them. “What do you want?”

“You have the Force,”

“Yes, I do.”

“Does Han know?”

“Of course, Han knows that I had the Force. That was the first thing he learned about me when we first met.”

“Why are you closing yourself off?”

“That is none of your business,” She said, “and stop asking me questions, okay? We aren’t friends. We aren’t going to be friends, and I just want to get all of my stuff and go! Okay?” She wasn’t supposed to say anything. She was mentally damning herself when Ben cocked his head to the side. It was clear that he was confused.

“Get your stuff and go, what do you mean?”

“I’m going to leave as soon as we get to Takodana, Han will take you to the Resistance and everything will be okay. I’m just going to disappear and neither of you will have to hear from me again.”

“Why would I want that? Why would Han want that?” Rey was about to open her mouth to tell him exactly why that was going to happen, but he kept talking. “Rey, I might be his son but I barely know him. How long have you two known each other?”

“Around ten years.”

“Yeah, there’s no way you can replace that. And even if I had known him longer, I wouldn’t ask you to leave a place where you’re happy for my happiness. Han would never want you to leave either, that’s pretty clear to see. He loves you. So please, Rey. Just stay. Just stay and let’s get to know each other. That wouldn’t be so bad, would it be?” Rey felt her walls falling a little bit as he stared at her.

“You wouldn’t want to get to know me,”

“I don’t think you know what I want,” He told her. He was staring at her in a way that didn’t make her uncomfortable but just felt weird.

“It’s not pretty,”

“I can relate to that, but I won’t judge. I have no room to,”

More uncomfortable silence. “I can’t promise that I’ll be particularly pleasant. But I’ll—I’ll stay. Just don’t ask me anything about the Force and don’t go into my head again, because that is one way to make sure that I never trust you, ever again. Got it?”

“Got it, sorry for doing it in the first place.”

“Thank you, now I’d appreciate it if you don’t speak of any this to Han or Chewie.”

“I won’t, this conversation can stay between us.”

__

It was a few weeks later when they had actually reached the Resistance base, and Ben hadn’t asked Rey anything about the Force, per her request. Things between them got easier. They were friendly, but not exactly friends. She would smile slightly and talk to him more; she wouldn’t hide behind repairs or try not to talk to him.

Ben could tell that that made Han happy, to see that the two of them were slowly starting to get along. Ben wished that it could stay like that. When they finally landed, Rey seemed to get a lot giddier than he had ever seen her.

“You excited to see your boyfriend?” A pang of jealousy hit his chest. Why? They weren’t even friends, that shouldn’t happen.

“He isn’t my boyfriend,” Rey rolled her eyes as they started to ease into an easy landing position. “He’s a friend,”

“Right, that’s what we’re calling it nowadays. You’re glowing.” Han teased.

“Whatever, old man.” Chewie roared something in agreement with Han and Rey turned to him, “Oh my god, shut up. He is not my boyfriend.” They landed, and just as soon as Han said that they were there, Rey ran off the ship.

“Where is she going?”

“Oh, to meet her friend. Poe Dameron,”

“Poe Dameron? Isn’t he a pilot?”

“You’ve heard of him?”

“Yeah, heard he as an ego bigger than the galaxy itself. At least, that’s what my mother said.”

“Well, that was one thing that she was right about.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you wish to support your author, please consider donating to my Ko-Fi. 
> 
> https://ko-fi.com/carinamanning


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